What’s it About?

Marybeth escapes the clutches of the bayou-butcher Victor Crowley and returns to the swamp with an army of hunters and gunmen, determined to end Crowley’s reign of horror once and fo

“HATCHET II”

Directed by Adam Green

There goes 90 minutes of  my life that has officially been deposited into the toilets of hell and flushed somewhere that I will never find it ever again. I am officially depressed at all of the things I could have done with my life while I was watching Hatchet II (or as I like to call it… Crap Part 2!) I came upon this website: http://lifehacker.com/5792245/simple-actions-you-can-do-in-minutes-to-change-your-life

I then started to think of all the things that every man and woman could do with the 90 minutes that they gave to this gargantuan, enormous, humongous, Oprah-sized steaming pile of pig shit. Cures for diseases could have been stumbled upon, a fire could have been put out before it became an inferno, children and puppies could have been hugged. Hell, I could have spent 90 minutes in the bathroom taking a shit and reading Archie comics and I would not only have been more entertained, but more would have actually been accomplished.

I could go on about the atrocious acting, the pointless story, the cartoonish kills, or the pointless villain. But, I would most like to point out that this film is 1 hour and 25 minutes (that includes the credits) and almost 1 full hour consists of characters doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! It opens with a quick “killer does something ridiculous and stupid.”

In this case, not only does he rip out the intestines of a man, but then uses them as a tourniquet around his throat and choking him till his head pops off. I’m not even fucking kidding. After that, the main heroine (played by Danielle Harris with the worst southern accent ever put on film) goes back to town and spends almost an entire hour talking, talking, and talking to townspeople about the most mundane and boring shit you could possibly imagine. It goes on forever. She meets with a voodoo guy, she meets with a bunch of people, she talks to others, she wanders the town, and blah blah blah. For a slasher film, it’s almost shocking how completely boring and devoid of suspense this flick is.

The dialogue scenes not only go on forever but they’re forced and uncomfortable because they are being delivered by B-movie rejects whose careers should have ended 15 years ago. It all leads up to a series of gory kills in the last 20 minutes that caused me to yawn more than feel any suspense, terror, or even interest. Look, I love horror movies. I love the first 2 Halloweens, Friday the 13^th, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Exorcist, Dawn of the Dead, and so on. This movie is not an homage to any quality slasher film but is a crap reproduction of all the low budget and forgettable knock offs that anyone who grew up in the 80’s had the displeasure of experiencing. I suggest you sit down and stare at the wall for 90 minutes. It’s a more pleasurable experience.